I remember when I felt the shift, like the first day of winter.

In all fairness, He told me it was coming. He told me this season would be difficult for me in ways I did not know yet. So when I woke up that morning, still curled up in my childhood bed underneath two heavy blankets and extra pillows, there it was.

A quiet chill cutting through the landscape of my heart and I knew, oh did I know, that change wasn’t coming.

It was already here.

In these past couple months, things have been really difficult. A lot of things changed in a considerably short span of time. Not all these changes are bad, but the fact remains that they’re still change. And my turtle heart has struggled and repeatedly lost in the battle to not to shut down and shell up.

In the midst of all this has been a lot of reevaluation and confrontation with things I have allowed to fester in my heart.

It’s been a season of rapid shifts and gutting out. An awful lot of I don’t want to paired with But I have to, and a hot, heaping side dish of I don’t know how. 

To put it plainly, I have been more or less a mess. A neatly contained, proper-identification-required-to-pass-the-yellow-line, ciphered-off mess.

But there’s beauty in the mess, right? Because it’s honest. Because it’s real. At least that’s what I keep hearing.

Caught in this friction, it is uncomfortable and it is loud. Sometimes it’s the only thing ringing in my ears. But there’s something else about friction, too.

Enough friction sets things on fire. 

And while I’m extremely tempted to roll my eyes and shake my fist and mumble sarcastically about how that’s exactly what I need right now, the thing is that really, that is exactly what I need right now.

Restoration comes after the surrender, after the gutting out, after the being emptied out to be filled up and made entirely new.

Even in the midst of this desert of sorts, Jesus has shown me his faithfulness again and again, blooming blessings in unexpected places. So I’ll hang on to the hope and the promise of renewal and restoration–of harvest seasons–like it’s everything I have. Because no matter the season, it is the only thing any of us really have.

Like the watchmen wait for the dawn, so I wait for You.


pilgrim days + your love is better // will reagan & the united pursuit: endless years
one thing remains
 + you have won me // bethel music: the loft sessions
your love remains // the brilliance: cavetime, a worship experience
take heart like an avalanche // hillsong united: aftermath
the father’s heart // tony anderson: movements of the heart


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